Faith?

Sorry that I missed posting anything yesterday. For the most part it was a very uneventful day. Tina's brother and sister-in-law came by the hospital in the morning for a few hours and headed out shortly after noon. Then Tina decided to pull another all-nighter to see if a last ditch sleep deprivation might get some seizures going. I have to admit that last night's sleep deprivation has been the hardest for me of any of the others, but Tina pushed through and is still going strong at 3:30pm (Monday).

This morning we were hit with some tough news that we're still trying to figure out how to deal with. The epileptologist came in this morning and expressed that he's becoming increasingly concerned with how long Tina's electrodes have been in her brain. His concern isn't because of any symptoms Tina is showing or anything like that, but just because of the length of time that she has had foreign objects in/on her brain. So it is his recommendation that they schedule her for surgery on Wednesday (11th) to take the electrodes out, but we won't know for sure until he can consult with the neurosurgeon tomorrow.

The obvious question we had for the epileptologist was what the nature of the surgery would be. He said that unless Tina has some seizures before now and Wednesday, they will simply remove all the electrodes, put her skull back in place, and send her home. As you can imagine this is difficult news. Essentially, unless Tina has a seizure within the next 48 hours, she will go home in the same state that she came to Cleveland in a month ago.

Although we are still praying for a seizure(s) before Wednesday, we had hoped that perhaps they had gotten enough information from all the seizures she had back with the first electrode and could proceed with some kind of resection (cutting out part of her brain) based on that. Apparently, without additional seizures, the risk is just too high to proceed. We are fighting disappointed but Tina continues to amaze me with her ability to holding onto the truth that God is good and is in control in the midst of her disappointment.

We have not given up hope. It is certainly within God's ability to allow for Tina to have seizures that would lead to a resective surgery, and we are praying for that, but I feel a sense of desperation knowing that we're down to the wire.

As I stood in the shower this morning, trying to let the fatigue and disappointment wash down the drain with the water, several thoughts came to mind. I have always struggled with certain passages of scripture that talk about having faith that moves mountains (Matt. 17:20; 21:21), and stories about people who simply have enough faith that God is going to do something and so it happens. I remember a scene from one of those movies that that one church down south made (I think it might have been Facing the Giants), where one of the "spiritual" characters says something like, "who has the greater faith; the farmer who prays for rain and waits, or the farmer who prays for rain and then goes out prepares his field."

I have to admit that I struggle with concepts like this. To me it almost feels as though God moving in my circumstances is contingent upon the amount of my faith that he will. In other words, if God answer my prayers it's because I had enough faith. If only I could somehow believed - really believed - enough, then the "mountain would move." The flip side of that thinking is that if my "mountain" (seizures) doesn't move it's because my faith has failed - I didn't believe enough. This is a concept that I have never been able to get my head around. I just can't make it fit with my theology.

I can't spend the next 48 hours trying to work my mind and heart into a place where if I just believe enough and have enough faith, that God will give Tina a seizure - like somehow my faith that God will do something obligates him to do it. So as I stood there in the shower, trying to wrap my head around all of this, the thought came to mind that perhaps it isn't about how much faith and belief I have in God doing something that I really think he should, but rather it's about how much faith and belief I have in God. Period.

If I believe with every fiber of my being that God is going to give Tina a seizure in the next 48 hours, does that mean that she will have one? I don't think so. It occurred to me that if God gives Tina a seizure based on my faith that he will do it, then the focus become primarily on the circumstances, the event, the seizure, not on where it should be - God. Perhaps faith that moves mountains is faith that is focused not on the mountain but on the one who actually has the power to move it regardless of whether or not he chooses to. If that is the case, then my faith will not falter even if the mountain doesn't move.

There are two farmers who pray for rain. One waits for the rain and the other goes out and prepares his field. Which one has more faith? Clearly the one who prepared his field, right? But what happens when the entire planting season goes by and no rain comes at all and the second farmer goes bankrupt because he invested his money into a field that never produced a crop? Then what? Is his faith shaken? If his faith is based on God giving rain (circumstances) then it will, but if his faith is based on God, period, then even if rain does not come his faith will remain.

The apostle Paul said in Corinthians 13 that "if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." What I take this to mean, relative to my circumstances, is that what is of priority is not whether or not I have enough faith to move the mountain, or bring the rain, or produce seizures, but whether or not my love for God, or my belief in God's love for me, changes if the mountain doesn't move, if the rain doesn't come, or we go home from the hospital no further ahead then when we started this whole thing.

Please, please pray. Pray that Tina will have a seizure. Pray that the surgeon will be able to do a resection. Pray that Tina and I will remain confident in God's love and our (and your) faith would not waiver even if the mountain doesn't move.