Untraceable Paths

It has been a long day for Tina. She was woken up multiple times throughout the night last night in the expectation that she would go down to the OR abut 8:00. They started another IV, drew blood, talked her through what she needed to do to wash-up with an antiseptic soap, etc. Then when it was determined that she wasn't going to go down to surgery until early-afternoon they let her sleep, only to come in all in a rush at 8:30 because transport was on their way up and no one wants to keep the surgeon waiting.

As you know from my previous post the surgery went well, but clearly Tina is much more wiped out than the first one and is in more pain and so is much more highly medicated. At one point, while they were still connecting the leads from her electrodes to the computer, she thought she might be having a seizure because of the feeling of adrenalin and fast heart rate. The EEG tech checked her out and confirmed she wasn't having a seizure, and the nurse checked her out and confirmed that her heart rate and BP were right were they needed to be... turns out she was just high. Gotta love all that clean living.

As of now she's still very tired and is mostly sleeping. Oh yeah, and she has a head ache. I have to tell you my wife's the man. The nurses and EEG techs remain in awe of her. She comes back from surgery missing a large chunk of her skull and a bunch of wires hanging out of her brain and she's cracking jokes as she's being rolled down the hall. Me, I'd be bawling like a little school girl (no offence to any school girls reading this). Seriously, God has given Tina an amazing out look on all that is going on.. and an amazing pain tolerance.

They gave her anti-seizure meds last night, this morning, and tonight and then will cut her off from here on out as we once again are hoping for seizure activity that will clearly indicate which part of her brain is responsible for her seizures. Please pray that Tina will heal quickly from her surgery and that she will show some good seizure data.

As I laid there in bed last night thinking about the fact that Tina was going back in today for surgery and that we had been in that same position exactly a week earlier, I regretted the fact that I was unable to sleep next to my wife and just be near her throughout the night. I also thought about all the what-ifs. What if something happens? What if all this is for nothing? What if we sit here for another two weeks with no seizures? What if hey determine that where her seizure focus is isn't operable? All valid questions. Understand that these aren't questions that I'm asking in despair or even out of fear, but none the less they are real possibilities and they sometimes do weigh upon my mind. I remember thinking how nice it would be to just wake up and it all was a dream.

This afternoon as I waited while Tina was in surgery, I was reading "True Spirituality" by Francis Schaeffer and something he said struck me. "Is it not true that our thoughts, our prayers for ourselves and those we love, and our conversations are almost entirely aimed at getting rid of the negative at any cost - rather than praying that the negatives might be faced in the proper attitude?"

Certainly this doesn't mean that we don't pray for healing, that we don't pray for good prognosis, that we don't pray that God would bring relief to the negatives in our lives. What it does mean is that when our aim is first and foremost relief we miss the point. I live in a world that seeks to avoid pain at all costs and expends every shred of energy on experiencing the greatest about of pleasure it possibly can. I've lived 35 years on this planet, not a ton I know, but it's long enough to know that it is impossible to avoid pain, and pleasure is continually fleeting. So what to do?

I suppose I can stoically resigning myself to the fact that the world just sucks and then trudge through until I die, but if there is no hope for this life we might as well get it over with now. Or I suppose I can try and make it through with happy thoughts and a good positive outlook, but again experience has taught me that there is no amount of "good" thinking that actually results in a tangibly positive outcome in my life. So what else is there?

Well lest you think I have it all figured out, let me assure you that I am still in the process of coming to grips with the what to do with the negative things in my life. What I have come to realize is that the attitude that offers hope is the attitude as Christ. Paul says in Philippians 2, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!"

I need to have the same attitude as Christ and that attitude was one that did not seek his own relief, but rather he became obedient and embraced the difficulties in his life, recognizing that they had a purpose. For Christ that purpose was the salvation of the world, my purpose is not quite as noble, but it is cast from the same mold and is no less fulfilling. When I am obedient to him and embrace the difficulties in life with the right attitude, I too fulfill my purpose - that of bringing the greatest glory to my Lord and King. I have found that when I can have this attitude I'm able to endure the negative things in life and, as strange as this may sound, there is joy in my life even if there is not relief from pain.

Like I said, this is still a process for me, and anyone who tells you that coming to grips with this is simple, is either deceived or a liar. It is so easy to demand relief from the negative things in my life, and it is so hard to be willing to embrace the negative things in my life as a way in which God can build within me the same attitude of Christ, but hopefully little by little I'm getting there.